I hate the little things. The little bad things. Because when they stand all alone they seem so important. And when something really big comes around and knocks me flat I feel so stupid for even giving little insecuritys and minor problems any thought.

This morning my nephew died minutes after birth.

Currently it is two minutes to 3:00 AM, this is widly known to be a terrable time for soul searching.

Ever lie in bed sleeping fitfully for a couple hours and wake up unexplainably with gut wrenching guilt overwhelming you about things done so many years ago that many of the other people involved would have to give long pause to remember?

Maybe it's just me.

Things as big as Doing That Thing With That Girl I Shouldn't Have While She Was Still Going Out With Wossname to as small as Getting Too Drunk That One Time In Casper And Telling A Bunch Of Strangers Way, Way Too Much About My LIfe are all coming back to haunt me. Maybe it was that second bit of BBQ chicken I had before bed.

100 and 1 things to fix with a time car are playing themselfs through my mind over and over. Times like this I wish I could bring myself to believe in a God who wasn't a total prick. A good confession would probably help a bit.

My mind works like this you see? I forget good or important things soon after the fact but any little thing I've ever done wrong stays with me for ages, often dregding itself up from the deepths of sickning eons to torment me in the quiet times.

So anyway. . . I'm deeply sorry to the following people for the following vague reasons. If you don't remember what I'm talking about or don't know then don't ask, I'll deny everything.

Dwaine: For being such a dick to you when we were in Jr. High.
Bill: For making out with your Faun while you were going out with her.
Ellen: For making out with Faun while I was going out with you.
Morgan: For laughing at you when you told me you had a thing for Alishia(sp) that time.
Alishia(sp): For breaking up with you because you wern't ready for sex. (Months before the above incident) 
Merry: For droping all intrest in you every time Cristal would bat her eyes at me.

I have a hard time writing here. I like to think I spend a great deal of time thinking about arcane and interesting things. But the thing is, I never really come to any big conclusions. As soon as I think I've settled on a good point of view to have, I rethink it.

Ideas that have undergone many revisions through out the course of the day have usually been argued to death and found to be so much non-sense by the time I'm anywhere near a computer.

Somethings I have continued to believe in over the years are:

1) Enthropy. Things wear thin. Systems corrupt themselfs. Though the scientific principal rests in the area of thermal dynamics I believe it holds true for ideas, ideals, and cultures. All things are dieing, in a sense all things that have been are all dead. "Things change" people say. But they don't really change, that is, one thing dosn't become another (be it idea or matter) rather parts die away and are hastly replaced by whatever might be around. After awhile all of the origional has been replaced, part by part, leaving something else. Religion is a good example. What most people generaly refer to as Christianity has very little to do with what Christ was going on about. Before his body had even cooled people begain to add "official" truths that gave them an avenue to whatever they really wanted out of life, sometimes well meaning but often selfish.

2)Though a person can be good, people are bad. I've met alot of good people that I'm happy and proud to know. But I've yet encountered any organization that truely was. Reguardless of whatever principals they were formed under corruption will always distort it over time (see #1).

3) School sport teams are there to keep all the truely evil people together as an organized force of oppression and terror. People who activly support these monsters are eather wholy blind or sadistic ass holes.

4) There's something wrong with my world view.